Chasing the Sun: Chapter 17
54Therapy is an important thing. At the root of it, simple communication. With another person, with yourself, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're working through all of your issues and attempting to convey a sort of understanding out of all of it. Of course, you'll never find all the answers in one sitting. But you'll find the starting point that you need in order to discover what it is that needs discovering. (...how very Jack Sparrow of me...)
My first therapy session in over a month was exactly what I needed. It gave me a sense of comfort and confidence that I had lost somewhere along the way. It's strange sometimes, when you lose something like confidence. How could you possibly forget your strength like that, all that you'd built up around you? It definitely makes you feel a bit like a fool once you find it again, as though it had been sitting in plain sight all along.
I've returned to feeling right and happy in my transgender identity. Not completely, of course, but are we, as humans, ever really 100% on anything? I know I'm usually not. Be it love, health, education, or ice cream flavors, I'm rubbish at making an easy, full-force decision. It's quite frustrating, as you can imagine. The hours I've lost standing at the ice cream vendor's...
Not to mention the hours I've spent pondering over love, relationships, and companionship. What does love mean? What does it feel like to be loved in that one special way? Why haven't I found love yet? Do I really love that person? How can I tell? It's impossible to tell. There are a hundred different types of love. Which one is this?
I've written about a number of different people in this blog. This Girl, the Redheaded Spy, the Dread Pirate, the Bearded Gentleman. All people I've felt love for, in one way or another, primarily a more romantic love. None have really been successful. So who's to say that this new 'love' will be any different.
I've tried my hardest to not think about it at all, about this new person. Not that she's new, per se. I've known her quite a while. But suddenly, recently, I realized all the things I love about her, and how all those things are what I've always looked for in the Gentleman, the Pirate, and all the others. It's another one of those things that's been sitting in plain sight, and yet somehow I missed it.
So what do I do with this new realization? Do I pursue? Do I hold back and keep this perfect friendship just the way it is? Relationships are tricky for me, especially at this point in my life. Caught between two genders, it's hard to identify with a sexual orientation, much less try to identify with someone else's. But do I let that stop me from trying to form a relationship with someone?
The answer, as always, is found in communication. The only thing there is to do is talk to her about it. Let her know how I feel, find out how she feels, and go from there. That's the only way to come to any sort of conclusion. It's logical, practical, reasonable, and not all that complicated. Still frightening, though.
Standing tall (or as tall as I can at 5' 3"), and hoping for the best, I'll bear my soul and just hope for the same from her.
